Careless caress

- My fingers were numb.

- My emotions were numb.

- I felt like I had leprosy.

- I didn't feel at all.

- I couldn't caress.

- I couldn't care less.

Smells

Each night I snuggle into the shirt you left behind. Each morning it has lost some of your scent. This morning it didn't smell like you at all. This morning it smelled of cheese. I like cheese. But not nearly as much as I like you.

Teaser - The Thing That You Do (Cowboy)

Teaser - Whalekitten's Theme

Dutch Lesson #5: To be, to have, to go, to come

Personal pronouns

Ik - I

Jij/je - you (informal)

Hij - he

Zij/ze - she

Het - it (gender neutral nouns)

U - you (formal)

Jullie - you (plural)

Zij/ze - they

Wij/we - we

To be – zijn

Ik ben ...

Jij/je bent ...

Hij/zij/ze/het is ...

U bent ...

Jullie zijn ...

Zij/ze zijn ...

Wij/we zijn ...

To have – hebben

Ik heb ...

Jij/je hebt ...

Hij/zij/ze/het heeft ...

U hebt ...

Jullie hebben ...

Zij/ze hebben ...

Wij/we hebben ...

To go – gaan

Ik ga ...

Jij/je gaat ...

Hij/zij/ze/het gaat ...

U gaat ...

Jullie gaan ...

Zij/ze gaan ...

Wij/we gaan ...

To come – komen

Ik kom ...

Jij/je komt ...

Hij/zij/ze/het komt ...

U komt ...

Jullie komen ...

Zij/ze komen ...

Wij/we komen ...

5 Days by The Jay Lowlifes

Moved away from home a few years ago

Out in the world to find a place of my own

Leaving behind all the things that I know

Leaving home

From wide open spaces to a dead flat ground

From eternal brownness to a luscious green

Where my heart is, there's no in between

Leaving home

Chorus (x2)

Coming home

To a place that's not home

Like an alien

In a world of my own

It makes no difference where you find your feet

Stand among roses or stand at full height

Home is a place for which you're willing to fight

Leaving home

When I come back to this land of yours

I get a strange feeling in my bones

The place I call home is not my home

Leaving home

Chorus

It's not like there's something wrong with this place

I'm not walking around with a frown on my face

It's just that I can't seem to find my place

Leaving home

I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong

I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong

I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong

Leaving home

Chorus

– Words and Music by Dave Clarke

Soon On IPods Everywhere

Reassurance

What I feel for you, I feel for noone else.

Anxious

What are these little crabs

that nibble at my ribs

from the inside?

Dutch Lesson #4: Weeks and Such

Monday - Maandag

Tuesday - Dinsdag

Wednesday - Woensdag

Thursday - Donderdag

Friday - Vrijdag

Saturday - Zaterdag

Sunday - Zondag

On - Op

Above - Boven

In - In

Inside - Binnen

Out - Uit

Outside - Buiten

Under - Onder

Over - Over

Through - Door

Against - Tegen

Opposite - Tegenover

Beside - Naast

Along - Langs

Swedish Lesson #4 - Days and Such

Monday - Måndag
Tuesday - Tisdag
Wednesday - Onsdag
Thursday - Torsdag
Friday - Fredag
Saturday - Lördag
Sunday - Söndag

On - På
On top of - Ovanpå
In - I
Inside - Inne
Out - Ut
Outside - Ute
Under - Under
Over - Över
Through - Genom
Against - Emot
Opposite - Mitt emot
Beside - Brevid

Things That Go 'Krrr' In My Belly

The Sound Of Cowboys

Fighting and killing and blood stains on carpets,
Shouting and gunning down wenches in markets
Whiskey to boost you and make you grow wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Rounding up cattle and talking real slowly
Actively seeking out actions unholy
Sunsets and horses and spurs that go clink
These are a few of my favourite things

When the sun burns
And the noose chafes
And the sheriff's dead
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel no dread

Black beans and chowder and stew by the fire
Drunken fist-fighting while voices grow higher
Small little pleasures for rough western kings
These are a few of my favourite things

Ponchos and blue jeans and unbuttoned collars
Open street duels for fistfulls of dollars
Cheating in poker, a fat lady sings
These are a few of my favourite things

Swedish Lesson #3 - Counting

0 - Noll
1 - Ett
2 - Två
3 - Tre
4 - Fyra
5 - Fem
6 - Sex
7 - Sju
8 - Åtta
9 - Nio
10 - Tio
11 - Elva
12 - Tolv
13 - Tretton
14 - Fjorton
15 - Femton
16 - Sexton
17 - Sjutton
18 - Arton (Aderton)
19 - Nitton
20 - Tjugo
21 - Tjugoett
30 - Trettio
40 - Fyrtio
50 - Femtio
60 - Sextio
70 - Sjuttio
80 - Åttio
90 - Nittio
100 - Hundra

Dutch Lesson #3: Numbers

-1 – min één

0 – nul

1 – een

2 – twee

3 – drie

4 – vier

5 – vijf

6 – zes

7 – zeven

8 – acht

9 – negen

10 – tien

11 – elf

12 – twalf

13 – dertien

14 – viertien

...

20 – twintig

21 – éénentwintig

...

30 – dertig

40 – viertig

50 – vijftig

60 – zestig

70 – zeventig

80 – tachtig

90 – negentig

100 – hondred

Mystery Mood

- Why so sad?

- I don't know.

- ...

- After not sleeping well, I felt uncommonly upset. Almost like crying.

- That's not very macho, Mr TDH!

- Even cowboys get the blues.

- Shouldn't that be "cowgirls"?

- I'm all for equal rights.

- Is it an emptiness that cannot be filled? A hollow feeling? A numbness? Is it painful, as if your guts have been kicked in? Or ripped out?

- I feel like ... I feel like ....

- !!!

Swedish Lesson #2 - Colours

colour(s) – färger(er)
red – röd
blue – blå
yellow – gul
green – grön
purple – lila
orange – orange
brown – brun
grey - grå
black – svart
white – vit

Dutch Lesson #2: Colours

colour(s) – de kleur(en)

red – rood

blue – blauw

yellow – geel

green – groen

purple – paars

orange – orangje

brown – bruin

black – zwart

white – wit

Prime times puzzling

0000000000000000000000001100011000100101001001000
100010010000000100100000001000100000100000100010000000
1010000000001000000000000000000000000000

Stealing Your Time

44 35, 14 24 14 54 35 51 21 24 34 24 44 23 54 35 51 43 45 43 11 24 45 44 45 11 32 31 54 15 45?

Talk Nerdy To Me

Virtue? A fig!

Pursuers of the modern erotic art of cyber sex retained their claim of being virtuous by virtue of being virtual.

More Like A Plate Than A Bowl

She realised, feeling horrible about it, that the song to best describe her current mood was one of the Rednex. She would have much rather had something cooler suit her mood. Something a bit classier, like Moby or Yo La Tengo, perhaps. But no. The Rednex. The fucking Rednex. She was downright outraged by her own lack of depth.

Black and white

When faced with a black-white choice, Karen preferred the multi-coloured umbrellas of an Italian beach.

Between a rock and a hard place

When placed between a rock and a hard place, Eric always took the third option: to roll out of the way, hoping to be able to formulate a clever pun when subsequently telling his friends of the ordeal. He never succeeded.

When?

Here I Am

Choices

Whenever offered the choice two equally bad punishments, he would always propose a third option, namely, accepting both. Most saw this as a disturbing character flaw. In actual fact, he was merely highly indecisive.

Dark Cave #1

Dark Cave is a true original. With his freckled skin and squinty green-brown eyes, he's certainly not your conventional beauty. He's unpredictable and softly spoken, and his accent is impossible to place. He has an occasional flair for off-the-wall conversation, though is readily dismissed as a mere kook. Born into the teaching business – his mother was a teacher, as were her siblings and father – he made his teaching debut in a little village called Sydney back in 1995. Since then he has specialised in avoiding teaching, including (not entirely successfully) avoiding teaching in Utrecht and in Amsterdam, before totally failing to avoid it in Leuven. In his latest teaching gig, he plays a love-weary secretary who falls for a greetings-card writer. No wait. That's Zooey Deschanel. Nor is he engaged to singer Ben Gibbard.

Contra-murder

Like murder, contradictions were easier to get away with when there were no witnesses.

Feelings

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings."

He never really talked about his feelings, never even came to grips with his feelings. If he were to articulate his feelings, he thought – thinking was something he did well, albeit with a mixture of classical logic and non-classical non-logic – then he would be thought of as a freak. So he kept his feelings inside, analysing them, using the non-standard techniques developed by Robinson (albeit far from their original application area), twisting them into the kind of puzzle that keeps knot theorists awake at night. Even sharing his feelings with friends was impossible: they'd no longer want to be his friend. So he twisted his tangled feelings around the stick of his thought process, increasing the tension in the twine, tightening the knot, feeling that this thing could never be undone, that he could never explain how he felt to anyone, as it was far to complex, far too entangled, far too bizarre ... how could anyone like someone who felt like this, who thought like this? ... he settled down with a thick book on logic.

It Looks Like You're Writing A Letter

She had the most annoying of ways. She spoke too loudly, and always before thinking. She was a messy, sloppy, hopelessly awkward person. In the mornings she would pad around the kitchen for ages, naked from the waist down, putting off getting her day started for as long as she possibly could. She had the most disturbing habit of laughing at her own bad jokes, days and days still after telling them. She could never shut up. Her view on the world was highly doubtable, yet she clung to it as manically as the most fanatic of believers. Her singing could bring tears to crows and make small children run away and hide, and yet she was constantly humming. Her morning breath was simply terrible. She chewed gum, and popped the bubbles loudly, even though she knew how rude it was. Years had passed since she last saw a movie without pausing it at least twice, simply because she could not bring herself to sit still for more than 30 minutes at the time. She was late, always late, and never for good reasons. She was as lazy as they come, and could put off chores for weeks, even if they clearly needed doing. Her teeth were bad, and her skin had lost most of the elasticity it once had. She had cellulite, and her toes were freakishly long. She was a careless driver. She fell down a lot, and never looked twice before stepping out into the street.

Yet he was in love with her. All her flaws, all her madness, he was willing to forgive. Willing to look beyond, willing to accept. She would have been perfect. But she loved him, and for that he could never forgive her.

Dreams Forgotten by The Jay Lowlifes

Young man (aged 2)

The dreams that I've forgotten
The places I don't go to
The things I've left behind

Now I'm thinking of:
The choices I made badly
The paths I never followed
The women I once loved

Chorus:
Waking in the morning
Or a few years down the road
I feel that I've forgotten
The dreams I couldn't hold

Now I'm thinking of:
A train without a platform
A night without a lover
A boy who's lost his dog

Where's my wife and children?
Where's my fancy car?
Why am I not famous?
Why am I not rich?
And why did I stop searching?
I wonder where you are

Chorus

Where am I to go to?
What can I do now?
Feeling that I've lost you
Feeling what I feel now
I only tried to help you
I tried to show I cared

Chorus

Now I'm thinking of:
A bed without a pillow
A joke which has no punch-line
A story without an end

- Words and Music by Dave Clarke and The Jay Lowlifes

Limerick Expectations

There once was a hussy from Sweden
Who spoke in the tongue of a heathen
She fell for this prof
In the hopes that thereof
Her speech he could maybe help sweeten

Dutch Lesson #1

de eend - duck

het balkon - balcony

de auto - car

hetzelfde/dezelfde/jij ook - You too / Right back at you (Literarly 'the same')

afwas doen - to do the washing-up

de vogel - bird

goeiemorgen - good morning

prettige dag nog - have a nice day

Dag - hello

Dag - good bye

springen - to jump

hoe gaat het met jou? - how are you?

de koffie - coffee

het condoom - Condom

de tas (Flemish) - cup

rijden - to drive

de kus - kiss

de sleutel - key

het vogelbekdier - platypus

de politie - police

praten - to talk

slapen - to sleep

de salade - salad

de zon - sun

het bed - bed

bedankt - thank you

donderdag - thursday

schattig/lief - kovely

pardon/excuseer - excuse me

graag gedaan - you're welcome

eten - to eat

Swedish Lesson #1

en Anka - Duck

en Balkong - Balcony

en Bil - Car

Det samma - You too / Right back at you (Literarly 'the same')

Diska - To do the washing-up

en Fågel - Bird

God morgon - Good morning

Ha en bra dag - Have a nice day

Hej - Hello

Hej då - Good bye

Hoppa - To jump

Hur mår du? - How are you?

Kaffe - Coffee

en Kondom - Condom

en Kopp - Cup

Köra - To drive

en Kyss - Kiss

en Nyckel - Key

ett Näbbdjur - Platypus

en Polis - Police

Prata - To talk

Sova - To sleep

en Sallad - Salad

en Sol - Sun

en Säng - Bed

Tack - Thank you

Torsdag - Thursday

Underbar - Lovely

Ursäkta - Excuse me

Varsågod - You're welcome

Äta - To eat

Kung Food Fighting

There are dumplings everywhere. The vacuum cleaner is clogged up by fried rice, and strains of noodles are stuck in the bristles of the broom in the corner. The crunchy sound as you walk across the floor originates from deep fried chicken nuggets and prawn crackers being crushed under your soles. An imposing sweet-and-sour stench forces its way into your nostrils, and the air seems to taste of Szechuan.

Then, suddenly - tandoori.

Now what do you do?

>> Pick up chicken nugget
The chicken nugget has been added to your inventory.
>> Walk West
You leave the room using the entryway to the west.

How Can I Prove My Love For You?

∃x(M(x) → ∃y(D(y) ∧ L(x, y)))

San Diego by The Jay Lowlifes

Working hard through the day

He deserves some time for himself

Gets himself a bottle of HEY

Gets it from the bottom shelf

He sits in the back of a trailer

Drinking with a fella named Bob

Drinks away the pain in his life

Gonna fly himself to the moon

Chorus (Drink):

Back in the days he used to drink real hard

As hard as a mule, as hard as an ox

Back in the day he used to drink real hard

Now he's surfing of the coast of San Diego

Working hard through the day

He deserves some time for himself

Going to bet on a running horse

Or try to match the rolling dice

Lost himself in a gambling den

Lost the shirt off his back

A roughy comes in a 16 to 1

Now he's got a shirt and a tie

Chorus (Gamble)

He finds time now and again

Straying from his regular nest

He'll visit a brothel or two

Just to find himself a little rest

Now he drives on through the night

Wears the mask of a man in flight

He's lead to the edge of the world

Where he stares across the ocean blue

Chorus (Live)

– Words and Music by Dave Clarke

They're Grrrreat!

Illegal's Theme by The Jay Lowlifes

Dancing in a state of oblivion

Watch the little monkey with glee

Save all my power just to be a friend

I'm drunk on living life free

Chorus:

Roman leaders and Roman poets

You know what I mean

Know what I mean

Lost and found in a bargain box

Where have you been

Gotta know what I mean

Wise men practising magic tricks

Holy men living in sin

A prisoner and his nurse are taken away

But the legislator spills no tears

Chorus

A little bit of Godding is good for you

Too much will make you insane

Lost my money in a pyramid scheme

Now I pick pockets for change

Chorus

A bankrupt man flashes a victory sign

You know what I mean

You know what I mean

You know what I mean

You know what I mean.

– Lyrics by Dave Clarke. Music by The Jay Lowlifes.

OCD

Must. Punctuate. In. Between. Every. Word.

Gertrude

A horse, a horse to rule them all, my kingdom for a horse is a horse of course as a rose is a rose by any other name, one rule, a rose.

Wroom

Speed. How glorious is it not to burst forward in hope of dying young and beautiful? You see yourself through the eyes of others; daring, courageous, dangerous. The power it instills in you bursts out of every pore, every fragment of your being. You could kill someone, you know, and yet you do it. Because it feels good. It feels right. It feels like you could die today, and still live forever.

Looking In

He pressed his face against the window to look inside, but as he did his breath fogged up the glass.

Twitch

People walk, and they have a slight swing in their cheeks. If you ever watch the summer Olympics, the hurdle races for example, in slow motion, you'll be able to see the twitch without even trying. It's not something you'll notice in everyday life, at least not until you notice it, and after you've noticed it, there is no un-noticing it. There is a twitch, for sure, a jerking, twitching movement of the cheek that is impossible to ignore for anyone who's ever had the misfortune of noticing it. Even small children, who ought to have really firm skin have it - the twitch.

The only exception is really heavy people. They have no twitch, because their pace is usually too slow to produce enough bounce to make their cheeks twitch. I'm sure, however, that they have other, different and possibly more difficult, types of problems of their own to deal with.

6 #2

Small of back, pool of sweat.

6 #1

Survive amidst uncertainty. Engorge. Nobody's perfect.

TV

Nelson temporarily switched of the television.

He looked out the window and saw a girl in a yellow raincoat walk by, though it wasn't raining.

His heart filled with sorrow.

Nelson turned the television back on.

Twirl

She has called on me again, lured me from the depth of my hold, splashing me on to the cold ceramics. I twirl for her, do my best to show myself off, to enchant her, to make her want even more. I still do that, after all these years, even though I now feel confident that she will want me even without my boasting charades. From the corner of my eye I watch her brush her long hair, stroke by stroke, using her antique rosewood brush. She leans closer to the mirror, carefully examining every crease, every wrinkle and every pore on her face. The eyes are piercing blue, but clouded. It is as though she is dreaming, yet her movements are crisp, wide awake.

Her long fingers are undoing the buttons of her shirt, top to bottom. It is not her shirt, it is much too big for her. She slides the garment from her shoulders, takes care to fold it and places it on the seat of the toilet. She turns to me, beckons me to look at her, to see her for what she really is, as she is standing there naked and honest in front of me. The closeness that I once found so frightening is not there any longer, many years have past since I last felt embarrassed by the sight of her naked body. I long for her, but I do not crave her. I want her, but even long, lonely nights without her are manageable these days. I still wish to please her, but I no longer live solely off the rush of her ecstasy.

Two steps forward, and she is right there next to me. I look at her, I twirl, and I invite her in. She lifts her right foot off the floor, and for a moment my eyes rest on the most private of her parts. She steps into me, slides into me, lets off a deep sigh and I embrace her. I explore every familiar one of her nooks and crannies, I massage her, urging her to relax, and she does.

Sayings, some common, some not

- There's a week between a good and a bad haircut.

- There's a Greek between a good and a bad Turk.

- There's a leak between a good and a bad pipe.

- There's a cheek between a good and a bad orifice.

- There's a tweak between a good and a bad performance.

- There's a creek between a good and a bad village.

- There's a leek between a good and a bad potato.

- There's a freak between a good and a bad tattoo.

- There's a peak between a good and a bad valley.

- There's a sneak between a good and a bad piece of gossip.

- There's a squeak between a good and a bad mouse.

- There's a beak between a good and a bad bird (the word).

- There's a creak between a good and a bad floorboard.

- There's a streak between a good and a bad window washer.

- There's a teak between a good and a bad maple.

- There's a geek between a good and a bad saying.

Seagulls Sing Your Hearts Away

- So do you think it could be?
- Hard to tell, really.
- Yes. I suppose it is.
- From a strictly deterministic view I would say it is entirely possible.
- Given the right parameters, of course.
- Of course.
- No real need to bring up determinism here though, is there?
- No. I suppose you are right.

Common People

Yes, there are nods in my direction, but still I'll never get it right. Alone in this hotel room, barely 1km from where Jim Morrison lies in eternal sleep, watching roaches climb the wall, I know that I'll never fail to be like the common people, dancing and drinking and screwing, because there's nothing else to do. Sometimes I sing along, even laugh along, even though they are laughing at me. Feeding on the spawn of other people's puerile existence. To be honest, I'm amazed that they even bother to exist, as they do not burn particularly brightly, before fizzling out without causing so much as a squidgeon of impact on this world around us. I can only wonder why. I'll never watch my life slide out of view... it hasn't happened yet, in any case.